Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

my dad when a sex scene comes on

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??