Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

ㅤ

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

Rest assured?!

Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

This tweet has been deleted

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.