My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
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Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
this could fix me
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Oh my God.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?