My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
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I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
just make the entire table out of coaster
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*