My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence