My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Practicing safe sax
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Miscakes
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Can’t stop laughing
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.