My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
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the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Liquor Store Parking
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
