My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
![]()
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I WON A HAM TODAY
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
![]()