My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Oops I deleted….
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!