My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Admin smashed it 😂
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
work smarter, not harder
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.