Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”