Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Try and stop me.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.