My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
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Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf