Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet