My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
You Might Also Like
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
✌️
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
dam girl
the icebreaker
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad