My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
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Important reminders
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
My current situation
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
