My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
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Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
they really wanted me dead for this
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem