My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
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stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Oops
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.