Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..
Me: It’s a feeling you get when..
Foreigner: I want you to show me..
Me: Ok, like wow. We just met
My kids and I have this fun game we play now where I tell them to go outside and they think I’m going to let them back in before dinner.
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My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
“how is school going?”
Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?