After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
You Might Also Like
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.