@Divergentmama

My kids and I have this fun game we play now where I tell them to go outside and they think I’m going to let them back in before dinner.

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@sonictyrant

“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”

*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*

@InternetHippo

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

@DadisGrumpy

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

@_Bad_Karma

911:What’s your emergency?
M:I’ve been shot..
911:ok sir,keep calm now..
M:thru the heart..and you’re to blame
911:Mr Jovi,this has to stop.

@Sickayduh

“The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-”

“Juror is dismissed”

@_missmoll414

My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants

@jjhartinger

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

@flouncingqueen

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones