@Divergentmama

My kids and I have this fun game we play now where I tell them to go outside and they think I’m going to let them back in before dinner.

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@TheMichaelRock

Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..

Me: It’s a feeling you get when..

Foreigner: I want you to show me..

Me: Ok, like wow. We just met

@RandomlyMJ

My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.

@david8hughes

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

@andlikelaura

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

@junejuly12

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

@WildeThingy

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

@notshivi

Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.

@murrman5

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

@funnyordie

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?