Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Here’s a meme

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.