My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.