[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
wtf is a larm clock?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids