my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
me opening up to someone
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink