my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”