my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
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My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
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So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute