My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
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Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.