Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

idk what he going thru but i feel him

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

Does beer think about me too?

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

Incredible customer service.

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?