My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
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My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]