My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
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I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.