My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
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me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
don’t be scared
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Its a hippotatomus
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.