My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
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First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
We like the way Dwight thinks
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.