My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.