Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.