My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
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man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
bias laundering edition
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
LMAO
