Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday