My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
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who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Frog purse.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.