My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
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[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
For cardio I live beyond my means.