Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.