My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.