My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
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“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
This is a true ally.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Simple
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.