My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
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“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
all that yoga finally paid off
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more