Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money