Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

I love wikipedia

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.