Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.