Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas