My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
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me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
thanksgiving in nutshell
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.