My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
pep talk
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
the council will decide your fate
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
thank god the sign was there
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.