Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.