*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
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[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Saw your ex at the shops
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.