*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
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I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.