My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
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1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.