Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

(Electricians.)

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.