My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
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If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Fiction has to make sense.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
selfie game
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔