My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
