My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Basically, any European coat of arms:
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
