My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
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[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast