My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
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“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.