My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
This is a sub tweet
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
dogs can find happiness so easily
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff