Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

This is what makes twitter great

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.