Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts