My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
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If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
How to walk around a museum
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks