My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
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Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”