My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
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Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
😜
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I just tested negative for patience.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Trumpy Cat
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I’m not stressed
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”