My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
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“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Air pods looking like an angry frog
True
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
who named him groot and not spruce lee