My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?