My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
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My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.