My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
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As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.