My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
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Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week