My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Ken is short for chicken
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while