My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.