Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

Stop it! 😂

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.