Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

The struggle is real.

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

gentlemen, hear me out

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

How do dragons blow out candles?

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.